You Don't Want To Read It
by Kat-of-the-Streets
Summary: After Sybil's death, Cora does go to New York. Because he wants her back Robert starts to write letters to her and she writes back to him. Longish one shot on what could have happened had Cora not been able to forgive Robert so easily.


AN: This has been sitting on my computer for quite a while and I never really know whether to put it out here or not. I kept thinking about how to divide this story up into chapters but I think that it works best as a one shot.

Let me know what you think!

Kat

* * *

"I've had a letter from Mama today."

"Has she arrived in New York?"

"Yes. Papa, why aren't you on your way to New York?"

"Why should I be? Your mother went there to get away from me."

"I can't believe you let her go."

"Mary, what was I supposed to do? She thinks that Sybil's death was my fault. And she can't deal with the fact that her husband has killed her child."

"You didn't kill Sybil. What a stupid notion. She died in childbirth. Just like Granny said."

"Mary, I have had this discussion with your mother a hundred times. It won't change anything."

"But not even Tom"

"Mary, stop it please. There is nothing anyone could do. Your mother needed to get away. Don't cry child, please."

She is embarrassed beyond words. She can't remember the last time she cried in front of her father; it must have been when she was very little. But the state of her parents' marriage frightens her. She can't imagine them not being together and in love. Her parents' marriage has always been the reason she believed in love at all. It was the reason she didn't marry Carlisle. She believed that Matthew was her true love and she believed that besides the troubles that they had been through, her marriage to Matthew would work. And to see her parents' marriage fall apart scares her. "I'm sorry, Papa. But I just, I just can't believe it. None of us can. Not even Granny." "Come here". Her father takes her in his arms and she holds onto him like a little girl who has just woken up from a nightmare and hasn't realized yet that it was all just a bad dream. "What are you going to do? Are you getting a divorce?" "I told your mother that I don't want that but that it was up to her. Although should she really want a divorce it might prove very difficult to get one. Your grandfathers tight the knot of the prenuptial very tight. We might not be able to get one at all, not in England at least. It might be possible to get a divorce in America though. That wouldn't be a problem as your mother is still an American citizen. But I don't want that to happen, Mary. You have to believe me." She believes her father. She can see how much he is suffering. There are tears in his eyes and she has seen him cry only twice. When his father died and when her mother lost her baby brother. "Papa, if there is anything I can do, or anything that Edith or Matthew or even Tom can do, please tell us." "Thank you my darling girl. But I don't think there is."

His daughter's words have shaken him to the bones. He has realized only now that the state of his marriage does not only affect Cora and him. Mary is in a desolate state and so is Edith. They are grown women but they still have a difficult time to deal with this. They've lost their sister and had to watch their parents' marriage fall to pieces. He has thought about following Cora to New York a million times but she left to get away from him and he has to respect that. If he ever wants to win her back he can't follow her. And he wants her back. Desperately so. So much that although he is sure that Cora doesn't want any form of communication with him, he writes her a letter.

_Cora, _

_ I know you want to be away from me and you don't have to read this letter. But I'd be very happy if you did. Mary told me that you arrived in New York safely and I am glad to hear it. _

_I am sorry about all of it. Don't worry, I won't start the old argument again. Just let me say this: I miss Sybil too. Every single day. But as harsh as it sounds I miss you even more. And missing you hurts more than missing Sybil. Sybil is gone and nothing will ever bring her back. But you are still there, just not here and it is driving me mad. _

_Little Sybbie is doing very well, she is a joy to be around. Tom is getting better every day. Matthew and I have decided to offer him the post of the estate agent because Jarvis is leaving. I was shocked at first, but Matthew said it was about time and I think that he is right. And Tom has hands-on experience in farming, which will be very useful. Edith spends at least half her time in London and I think that she is quite fond of her editor. I think I have to meet him because I am getting a little worried. I don't want her to be disappointed again. I've included a copy of her latest column in this letter because I don't think that you get The Sketch in New York and I thought you might want to read it. Mary has taken over the running of the household and she is doing it very well. You've been a great teacher. But I'd prefer it if _

_No, I won't write it down but I'm sure you know what I was about to write down. _

_There goes my rambling. I won't end this letter the way I want to because I know that you don't want to read it. _

_ Robert_

He is sure that she will throw the letter away unopened, but he still sends it because he needs to try at least. He is rather surprised when he gets a letter back 12 days later because that means that she must have answered the same day she got the letter. He hardly dares to open it because he is afraid that she is asking him to stop writing to her. He hides the letter because he wants to read it alone in his room later that day. His daughters don't know that he has written to their mother, unless she has told them so, but they haven't mentioned anything yet.

_Robert,_

_Thank you for Edith' column. She hasn't sent it to me, so I am glad that you did. I am so proud of her. I agree, you should meet Mr. Gregson. Tell me what he is like, please._

_It is a brilliant idea to make Tom the estate agent. He gets along well with Matthew and that counts for a lot. I am not surprised about Mary, she always wanted to run a big household and now she can. _

_Thank you for the update on Sybbie. Mary mentions her in her letters but I am never sure if she isn't softening or harshening the truth, depending on the subject. But you tend to be rather objective in your description, so I know that Sybbie is doing well. _

_I have settled in here pretty well (there's an Americanism for you), but I didn't know that my brother was staying here too. He's got a new 'lady friend' for lack of a better word, although I think that he sees her more as an accessory._

_I know that you miss Sybil too, don't think that I don't. I am not that heartless._

_I won't be writing to the girls today, so give them my love, please. _

_I wouldn't mind if you wrote back to me._

_Cora_

He doesn't know what to think. He feels as if his insights are on a roller coaster ride. She hasn't said anything about missing him, let alone loving him, but her letter is like a piece of a conversation they might have had before going to bed. He wants to be with her so much it physically pains him. But there is nothing he can do except for writing back to her.

_Cora, _

_Thank you for writing back to me. And I don't think you are heartless, not at all._

_All the children, and by that I mean Mary, Edith, Sybbie, Matthew and Tom, are doing very well. They are still in mourning of course, but the shadows seem to lift. Tom has accepted the position as estate agent and he is doing much better now. I think that is because it gives him a purpose. And a reason to stay here, because he does want Sybbie to grow up here. And I want that too. She is such a sweet little girl. She has me wrapped around her little finger, I think. But then all our girls had me in that state when they were little. And don't tell me they've still got me wrapped around their not so little fingers because I know they do. But what is a father to do? Nothing. _

_I haven't met Mr. Gergson yet but I told Edith to invite him here and I'll make sure that both Matthew and Tom will be around when he is here. Tom is a good judge of character and Matthew can cross examine Gregson. I'll let you know what they think. _

_What's your brother's lady friend like? Do you think he'll marry her? What have been doing in New York?_

_We, that is you and I, have been invited to a few dinners. I'll go and tell them that you are visiting your mother. I'll update you on the gossip I'll hear at those dinners._

_Cora, please write back to me. I know I am begging but I don't care. _

_You know how I want to end this letter and I know you don't want to read it._

_Robert_

His second letter makes her feel worse than the first. She slowly realizes what she has done to him. He misses her more than anything; that is obvious. His writings are like little pieces of conversations they might have had before going to sleep at night. And it dawns on her that she misses him too. Maybe the reason for her misery isn't Sybil's death anymore; maybe the reason is her broken marriage. She wishes she could talk to Robert but he is 3000 miles away from her and it is her fault. All she can do is write back to him.

_Robert,_

_You don't have to beg. I'll always write back to you if you want me to. _

_It's probably best if you go to the dinners and tell them that I am here to see my mother. I am visiting her after all, so that is not a lie. Keep me informed about the gossip, because for what __do we live_, _but_ _to __make sport_ _fo_r _our neighbours_, _and laugh at them in_ _our_ _turn_?

_I don't think that my brother will marry his lady friend, at least I hope not. She isn't very intelligent to put it mildly. I didn't offer her to call me by my first name (and I never will unless my dear brother forces me to and I'd like to see him try), so she keeps calling me Mrs. Crawley. I have told her that she has to call me Lady Grantham numerous times but she doesn't understand. She keeps saying that that is not my name. Apparently she doesn't understand the concept of a title. I've asked Harold to explain it to her but he only rolled his eyes. Maybe he is getting tired of her. I dearly hope so. _

_I haven't been doing much here to be honest. I met a few old friends but I haven't seen them in such a long time that getting along with them is rather awkward. I've seen two musicals and they were very good, you'd have liked them too, they were rather funny. _

_My mother is driving me up the wall. She keeps complaining about everything and if we treated our servants the way she treats hers, we'd be cooking and serving our dinners ourselves within less than a week. Carson would go ballistic if we ever spoke that condescendingly to any of the staff. And he'd have a good reason to. _

_Have you met Gregson yet? Please write to me when you have because I can't rely on what Mary will write. Whatever she writes is probably a mixture of her and Matthew's opinion filtered by her to what she thinks I would like to hear. And if she doesn't like him or has a fight with Edith the day Gregson is coming for dinner, her description of him will be spiteful to say the least. _

_How is Tom? I worry about him. I am glad he wants Sybbie to grow up with us but it is such a big change for him. It is not what he thought his life would be like. _

_Cora_

By the time he has finished reading the letter his hopes have gone through the roof. She keeps talking about 'our servants' and 'Sybbie growing up with us' and wanting to be called 'Lady Grantham' by her brother's friend. He is sure that those references weren't slips of the tongue put in writing because Cora always rereads her letters at least twice. Her letters to him might be very colloquial and she probably doesn't write to anyone else the way she writes to him, but he sure that she rereads her letters to him as well. He decides to write back to her at night because Michael Gregson is coming to dinner and he wants to include his report in his next letter.

_Cora,_

_ I know you are bursting with curiosity, so I'll leave out the formalities and get straight to the point._

_Michael Gregson has just had dinner with us and I have no idea what to think about him. And neither do Mary, Tom or Matthew._

_He is nice and knows how to behave socially impeccably. He is obviously in love with Edith and she is in love with him, I am sure of it. After dinner I thought that I should just give them my blessing and tell Edith to not rush the wedding so that you could be here on time and help organize everything. I had actually planned on telling her tomorrow morning, before Gregson leaves, so that she can tell him as soon as possible. But, right before I went to bed, Tom, Mary and Matthew all came to my room and you will not believe what they have told me. Michael Gregson is married. I think Matthew just took Mary along and she didn't know until they told me because she sat down on the bed unceremoniously and she'd never do that if she wasn't taken aback completely. Apparently Gregson's wife is an asylum and has been for some years. He wants to divorce her but can't because lunacy is no reason for a divorce. Matthew explained to me why but I won't go into the details now. But there is more. Gregson is planning to go to Germany so he can become a German citizen because in Germany lunacy is grounds for a divorce. Matthew says that that is true too but that he wouldn't advice doing it. Becoming a German I mean. _

_I am sure that Gregson loves Edith very much because he wouldn't even consider something like that if he didn't. But it is also very dangerous and silly. And doesn't that make him unsuitable for her? _

_I wish you were here and we could actually talk about it. _

_Tom is doing well, all things considered. Don't worry about him. He still mourns Sybil of course, but so do we all. But he can laugh with Matthew and Mary from time to time and he is a very good father to little Sybbie. He loves her with all his heart. Matthew has started to teach him to play cricket, which is a good thing because we need more players for the house team. I know it is still a couple of weeks until the match, but Tom has never played cricket before so it is important for him to get in a lot of practice. It also helps him deal with it all I think, which is even more important._

_If your brother's lady friend doesn't understand the concept of a title, why don't you make her call you "your ladyship"? She wouldn't know the difference and you could have a good laugh._

_Speaking of laughing, thank you for making me laugh. Your Pride and Prejudice quote was brilliant and it was the first time I actually really laughed since the day Sybil died. I miss you so much._

_I have to stop writing now because if I don't, I won't be able to stop myself from writing what I actually want to write but I know that you don't want to read it._

_Robert _

His letter has her in tears. Not because she is worried for their daughter, although she doesn't know what to make of Michael Gregson either, but because of the ending of it. She would have liked to read what her husband wanted to write so much. She knows what it would have been, but to see it in writing would have made her happy. She'd have been happy for the first time since their daughter's death. A nagging thought has formed at the back of her mind, a thought that tells her that she should get on the next available ship to England and to go home. She misses her husband as much as he seems to miss her but she thinks she isn't ready yet. And she can't go back before she is ready.

_Robert, _

_ I don't know what to think about Michael Gregson either, but he must love Edith very much and if she loves him back then maybe we should help him. Could you ask Matthew if he can do anything for him? _

_I'm glad to hear about Tom laughing, it wouldn't do for him to be constantly sad because that wouldn't be good for Sybbie. _

_You are right, I should make my brother's lady friend call me 'your ladyship', but I think my mother would have my head and I don't want to fight with her. By the way, my brother's l.f. is called Mary, another reason for me to never allow her to call me by my first name. Because then I would have to call her by her first name too and that just isn't possible. She has nothing in common with our Mary besides her first name and she is a horribly condescending person, especially when she talks to people whom she thinks are below her. I know our Mary can be condescending too, but not like this. My brother's l.f. is now staying here full time and I think they sleep in the same room. I wonder why my mother doesn't intervene. She'd have killed me had I done something like that before getting married and with anyone besides you after getting married, but then I am a woman and I was the one to bring the title to the family, so there you have it. _

_I've met a good friend from my youth, Arthur Mayfield. My father and his father used to do business together and we spent a lot of time together before I came to England. Arthur has invited me to a party he is giving in a few days and I think I'll go. His father is dead now and he owns the business but I am not sure how well it is going. I am actually looking forward to the party because I hope that there will be other friends from my youth as well. _

_Have you been to any of the parties yet? What were they like?_

_I'm glad I made you laugh. I wasn't sure whether the quote wasn't overdone (you know how I reread all my letters) but then I thought you'd understand it the way it was meant. I miss talking to someone who knows what I mean without having to explain every second sentence I say. Truth be told, I feel quite out of place here. I miss you. _

_Robert, please end your next letter the way you want to, because I do want to read it. I miss you. _

_ Cora_

'I miss you'. Twice within the last two lines. He wants to board the next ship to New York and take his wife home. He wants to beg her to come home with him, where she doesn't have to feel out of place. But he doesn't think he can. He is too scared of her not wanting to come back to him. He also isn't sure if he should grant her her request at the end of the letter because he is afraid that she won't ever write back to him that she loves him too. But he has to tell her, one last time at least because he can't let her go without a fight. And he thinks that he might win the fight.

_Cora,_

_I am sorry you feel out of place. It must be hard for you to not feel home in a place you called home for almost twenty years. _

_Darling, please be careful when you go to any parties hosted by your old friends, especially Arthur Mayfield. I asked Matthew about him and he's actually heard about him and says that he's been in trouble with both the American and English authorities over accusations of fraud. I didn't mention that you know him, I told him I had heard the name at one of the parties I went to. Those parties are another reason I want you to be careful. I have done my best to stop rumors about our separation but I don't think that I was successful. Our acquaintances seem to be waiting for the announcement of our divorce. If word gets around that you've been going to parties held by men you used to spend a lot of time with in your youth, you might unwittingly make those rumors more believable. But I am not telling you what to do. _

_I think your mother doesn't intervene because times have changed. Although that is still no reason to let them sleep in the same room. Bu then, who am I to talk? I've told Edith I wouldn't ask Rosamund about her stays in London. I only told her to be very, very careful. I hope she doesn't stay over at Michael Gregson's house, but if she does, what are we to do? They love each other, I have no doubt about that. Matthew is doing his best to try and find a way for Gregson to be divorced without having to become a German but it seems to be a lot of work. Why does Edith have to fall for such complicated men all the time? First Antony S. and now this. I've met Antony at one of those horrid parties by the way, but he hid from me. We only spoke two words and I was glad when that was over. I am sure you'd have had a few things to say to him, but I am no good at that. _

_Sybbie was sick. Not seriously, it was only a cold but it scared me. Of course it happened when Edith, Mary, Matthew and Tom all were in London to run some errands. Tom was very hesitant to go but I talked him into it because I thought that it might be good for him to spend some time away from here. I told Matthew to take him to a pub and that's what he did and I think they enjoyed it. They were gone for only two nights, but Sybbie became ill an hour after they had all left. I thought about calling Rosamund and to tell her to send Tom straight back but I didn't want to worry him more than necessary. As those things always go, the nanny got sick too and couldn't take care of Sybbie. Poor girl cried non-stop for two days. I don't think I have ever spend more time carrying around a little child and trying to calm her down than in those two days because you were always here when one of our girls got sick. Sybbie's perfectly fine now and I didn't tell Tom about all the crying. I know how scary your first child's first illness can be. I remember it well enough. _

_The dressing gong's about to ring and my mother is coming to dinner, so I can't be late. I want this letter to go out with the evening post, so I'll stop now. Except for one thing. You asked me to write what I want to write._

_Cora, darling, I love you. More than anything in the world. And I miss you so much that it physically pains me. If there is anything I can do to make you come back to me, tell me and I will do it. No matter what it is. I love you. _

_Robert _

She is confused. Her husband writes that he loves her but she has heard rumors of him preparing a divorce. She knows that they probably stem from the same source that started the rumors he has told her about and nothing in his letter indicates that he is even thinking about it. But to add to her confusion, Arthur Mayfield asked her about possible divorce settlements and then proposed to her. Images of Arthur Mayfield proposing and Robert carrying a little child through their house are fading into each other in her mind She is put off balance by this so much that, for what is probably the first time in her live, she doesn't reread a letter she has written.

_Robert,_

_Thank you for the letter. It made my heart skip a beat._

_You are right concerning the rumors about an impending divorce. They have reached New York. Or maybe they have even come from New York. I might have to thank my brother's lady friend for them, come to think of it._

_Anyway, people kept asking me about our divorce settlements tonight. They told me that I should squeeze you for every last penny. I told them that the prenuptials were airtight and that even if I was successful in getting all my money back it would mean the ruin of the estate. People kept telling me that would be a good thing because that's what you deserve. But for what? How can anyone ever think like that? How can one want to ruin a person they have lived with and loved for over thirty years? I asked that and those people kept telling me that I wasn't American anymore. But what does that have to do with nationality? It made me so mad. And they kept telling me that I should file for divorce here because my chances would be better then. What chances? Nobody was able to explain it to me, but they all seemed rather certain. And except for my brother, his l.f. and Arthur Mayfield those were all people I have never met in my life. _

_But to make a strange evening even stranger, Arthur Mayfield took me outside shortly before I left and he proposed to me. I told him I was already married but he said that didn't matter and that as soon as the divorce was through I could get married to him. I felt as if the world around me was spinning and I just left without saying another word. I still feel like the world is spinning around me. But I have realized something. We need to talk. Just you and I. Without anyone around and in person, not through letters. I'll probably be able to tell you when I'll be back in England in my next letter. There are a few things here that I have to take care off before I leave but it shouldn't take too long._

_I'll let you know when I'm back in my next letter._

_Cora _

'What?' is the only phrase that comes to his mind when he reads her letter for the first time. She has never written anything so unstructured. Maybe she forgot to reread the letter. Or maybe she doesn't think he deserves that anymore.

'Why?' is what comes to his mind when he reads it a second time. He still can't make complete sense of it but he thinks that Cora might want a divorce after all. Although that wouldn't fit the beginning of the letter. Or maybe she just wanted to read his declaration of love for her to be absolutely sure that she doesn't love him anymore. But at least she doesn't seem to want to ruin him. He has to thank her for that. But he needs a drink first. Maybe two or three.

_Cora,_

_ Why? Why do you want a divorce? I am sorry, but I thought that your letters indicated that you might want the opposite of a divorce. But I must have misunderstood. _

_Don't worry, we can talk about divorce settlements face to face. Let me know when you'll be here and whether you are bringing a lawyer. Thank you for not wanting to ruin me or the estate. I'm sure that we'll find a solution. _

_Let me know when you'll be back in England and where you'll arrive. I'll have you picked up then._

_ Robert_

This letter sets her off balance even more and it makes her cry. How could that have happened? She makes up her mind in a matter of minutes, says goodbye to her brother, tells her mother that she'll send instructions on what is to be done with the belongings that don't fit into the one suitcase and leaves. She goes to the post office first because she needs to send a telegram to her husband.

_Robert, you misunderstood. Coming home as soon as possible. Cora._

"What have I misunderstood?"

She is scared, she has never seen her father like that. He has behaved strangely over the course of the last few days, hardly talking to anyone and not joining them for dinner anymore. "Papa," "Edith, I know you want to help, but please leave me alone. Just leave me alone." She feels taken aback and rejected by her father. She briefly wonders if she should talk to Mary about it, but then what could Mary do? Nothing. It would only upset her sister and she is almost sure that her sister is in the early stages of pregnancy. She shouldn't be upset then.

He keeps tossing and turning. For the past six days he has been waiting for another telegram from his wife to give him more clues. He still has no idea what he is supposed to have misunderstood. Granted, Cora said that she was coming _home_, so that might mean that he misunderstood about the divorce but he isn't sure and he doesn't know whom to talk to.

The butler is making his last round through the house and can hear the commotion in her ladyship's room. He knows that his employer keeps sleeping in there and that Anna goes in there every day to make the bed. It shouldn't be the task of the maid of the future countess but Anna likes to keep things quiet and he is thankful for it. Ever since that telegram arrived his lordship hasn't been himself. Even less so than the days before that. He knows that the marriage between the Earl and Countess of Grantham is in a very delicate state, all the staff know it, and no matter how much he keeps telling them to not talk about it, they still do. Mr. Matthew's habit of leaving books and papers on divorces strewn all over the library doesn't help matters either. He dearly hopes that it won't come to a divorce, but he is almost sure that it will. Right before he wants to make his way upstairs to his room the doorbell rings. Opening the door this late at night is not the task of the butler, but the hall boy on duty is not around and if someone comes to the estate this late at night it must important. He opens the door slightly apprehensively. "Carson, how nice to see you. I didn't think you'd still be up." "Your ladyship?" He has no idea what to say. What is her ladyship doing here? She is supposed to be in America. "Were we expecting you?" "I am afraid not. I forgot to send the telegram. I only remembered when I was on the train from Liverpool to here. But then it was too late. I hope you can forgive me." "Of course. Where is the rest of your luggage?" He knows he is being unfriendly but he really doesn't know how to act. "In New York. I only brought this one suitcase. And I'm afraid everything in there needs to be cleaned before I can put it on again. But no matter, I have still got dresses here, so the maids don't have to rush." "Very good, your ladyship." What else can he say at such a statement? "Has his lordship gone to bed?" "He went upstairs. I don't think he is asleep yet."

"Thank you Carson. And good night." He briefly wonders whether he shouldn't announce her but then again, she is the lady of the house, even if she hasn't lived here for quite some time. He watches her almost run up the stairs and wonders in how much hurry a person can be to get a divorce.

"Robert?" She opens the door to his dressing room and turns on the light but the room is empty. "Robert?" she asks again although she knows that this stupid. His room is rather small and one look is usually enough to find out whether he is in there or not. Just as she is about to leave she hears someone moving around in her own room. He is in their room, who else would be in there at this time of night?

He must be dreaming. Surely. He has just heard his wife call his name in the other room. But that can't be because she is in New York, thinking about proposals from other men. But then he hears her call for him again and he can see the light under the door. He gets up and moves to the door. He reaches it the moment it is thrown open and it hits against his forehead with such force that he staggers backwards. "Robert! I am sorry. Oh dear, does it hurt?" "Yes. What are you doing here?" He stares at his wife in disbelieve. What is she doing here? His head throbs with pain and he sees little stars in front of his eyes. "I told you I'd come home as soon as possible. Sit down on the bed. Please. I'll get something cool for your forehead. I am so sorry about that." He watches her go into her bathroom and hears her run the water. She comes back with a wet cloth and he lets her put it on his forehead without resistance. Her touch is so gentle it makes him want to cry and kiss her at the same time. He missed her so much. And now she is here in the middle of the night and he still doesn't know why.

"I know I've asked this question already, but what are you doing here?"

"I came home to talk to you. Although I have realized that it was a very bad idea to come here unannounced in the middle of the night. I gave Carson quite a fright I think. He looked rather dumbstruck when he saw me. And I've hit you with a door. I am so sorry, darling."

He looks up at her last word. Her eyes are full of love and concern. Her hand is still holding the cloth to his forehead. He takes it away so that he can move his head forward and kiss her. She returns his kiss immediately and the stars come back to his eyes but for a very different reason. "Robert", she breathes. "No." "Why not?" Why is she doing this to him? Why would she kiss him like that and then stop him? "Because we should talk first. Although I have to admit that I would be willing to move that to a later time if I hadn't hurt your head. You might have a concussion. So maybe we are safer with just talking. We'll see how you are doing later. And we might have to call Dr. Clarkson. And you should cool your head."

"All right then. Let's talk. What have I misunderstood?" If he can't do with her what he so desperately wants to do right now he has to get to the bottom of this at least.

"My last letter. The one about the divorce. I don't want a divorce. That was not I was saying. I am so sorry about that letter but I was so confused. People I have never met in my life kept telling me to do the most outrageous things and when I came home I found your letter and it made me so happy and then I realized that I was happy for the first time since Sybil's death and it was all a bit much. I shouldn't have written to you in such a state, but I did and then when I got your reply I was so shocked I decided to come here right away although I couldn't think straight anymore. You know how well I do on ships, so my ability to think only came back when I was on the train from Liverpool. I thought about calling from the train station but that wouldn't have changed anything. Or so I thought because I probably wouldn't have hurt you with that door had you known that I was coming here." He has to laugh out loud at this speech. He was so sure he'd never hear Cora talk like this again and it feels so good to hear her voice.

"What are you laughing at? This isn't funny."

"No, darling it isn't. I'm sorry. I am just so glad that you are home."

She knows she should tell him right now. She wasn't really sure what exactly she wanted until the moment she realized that he slept in their room although she had been gone for months. "You didn't misunderstand the other thing." "What?" He looks a little confused and she isn't surprised by that. "I do want the opposite of a divorce. Well, not the complete opposite because that would be a wedding and we've already had that. But I want a marriage. Our marriage. I want us to go back to what we were. I know I behaved like an insolent child. But I love you." She can see him swallow and feels rather than knows that he is fighting a battle against crying and against blaming her. "Yes you did behave like an insolent child." His voice doesn't sound strong and she hopes that he is able to go on because she needs to hear him say that she has been forgiven. Or not. But this state of not knowing is driving her mad. "But you had lost your youngest daughter. And you thought it was my fault. You thought your husband had killed your child. It wasn't my fault after all, but you didn't know that and you needed to blame someone. You've hurt me. Quite a lot. But what I wrote was true. I love you. More than anything." She can see that he is fighting a losing battle against his tears. "I am so sorry. I knew I was hurting you but I don't think I had any idea of how much. I wish I could take it back. Everything I said to you after Sybil's death. But I can't. But I'll try to make up for it for the rest of my life. If that means anything to you." She feels him pull her close to him and they both begin to cry. "It means the world to me", he says to her after a while.

"How's your head?"

"Much better. I don't think I've got a concussion. I don't feel sick or dizzy."

"Good."

"How are you?"

"What do you mean?"

"You've been on a ship for five days all by yourself. You can't be doing too well."

"The 'all-by-myself' part wasn't so bad. To tell you the truth, I was glad there was no one there because nobody needs to see me seasick. And I got seasick the minute I got onto the ship. It still hasn't really stopped. It feels as if the room was shaking."

"I'm afraid you will feel like that for a few more days. We can call Dr. Clarkson tomorrow. And you should rest. You are very tired. You should sleep. We should both sleep. I'll help you get changed. Where's your luggage?"

"Most of it is still in New York I'm afraid."

"Why?" She can see the smile on his face. She knows that he thinks her a little silly for having lost her head so much, for having been so emotional, that she left most of her luggage behind.

"I didn't have the time to pack it. I wanted to get here as fast as possible. I'll write to my mother tomorrow and tell her to have it send here."

"All right."

She feels him taking the pins out of her hair and it is a relief to her. He has done this a thousand times and so she isn't surprised that he manages it without hurting her, but him being so gentle with her shows her how much he still loves her. Despite everything she has done. When they finally lie done he puts his arm around her without her having to ask him for it and she knows that this will be the first night in months that she will be able to sleep through.

"My Lady, Mr. Carson wishes to speak to you."

"Thank you Anna. Do you know what he wants?"

"I'm afraid not my lady."

"All right, I'll go downstairs and see him right away."

If she is honest with herself she is a little apprehensive about what Carson might want. She has the feeling that she has only muddled her way through running the house on her own and that she hasn't done it very well. Maybe Mrs. Hughes wants her to do something differently and asked Carson to talk to her.

"Carson, you wanted to speak to me."

"Yes my lady."

"Here I am."

"I don't know how to break this to you my lady."

"Best just say it then."

"Her ladyship returned last night."

"My mother is back?" She knows her face is breaking into a smile and she has to keep herself in check to not hug Carson in a burst of emotions.

"Yes, but I am afraid she won't be staying long,"

"Why?" She hopes Carson is wrong, she prays for it.

"Her ladyship has only brought one small suitcase. The rest of her luggage is in New York."

"That means she'll stay. I'm sure of it. Please ask Anna to take care of my mother as well. I am not sure whether my mother knows that O'Brien has left." She wants to see her mother but stops when she is halfway up the stairs. Her first thought was that if her mother traveled with hardly any luggage she must have made a very emotional decision to come back to Downton. But then she remembers the state her father has been in over the course of the last few days and wonders whether her mother might not have come back for good. So she decides to go to the breakfast room first.

She is a little disappointed when she comes into the room and sees her father there by himself. She doesn't know what she expected but if her mother was back for good and still upstairs shouldn't her father be there also?

"Good morning Papa".

"Hello Mary." He seems cheerful. She hopes she's right.

"Where's Mama?"

"So they've told you then."

"Carson did."

"Your mother is upstairs, asleep. She has hardly slept in six days and hasn't kept any food down either for that time. So she's in desperate need of a rest." She wishes her father was more straightforward.

"The crossing did not agree with her."

"No, but you've seen her on a ship. We should probably be thankful that they didn't send her to a hospital in Liverpool."

"Why is she here?" She prays for her father to say what she wants him to say.

"She came to clear up a misunderstanding."

"Will she stay?"

"Yes."

"Are you alright? I mean, you and Mama?"

"Yes." She knows that her father's smile is mirrored on her own face.

"We are more than all right Mary."

"What happened to your head?"

"Your mother hit me with a door." She is a little shocked but the way her father is grinning at her tells her that it must have been an accident.

"How?"

"She opened it while I reached for it. It was an accident. It doesn't matter."

"I told Carson to ask Anna to take care of Mama as well."

"Thank you. Although I honestly think what she needs most now is sleep. And then food. I'll go upstairs and see if she's awake. Would you like me to let you and Edith know when she's awake?"

"Not right away. I think you two need some time alone. But I'll tell Edith that Mama's back."

She gives her father a kiss on the cheek and then leaves, happier than she thought she could ever be again after Sybil's death.

He told his daughter that he and Cora were more than all right but he isn't sure that it is true. Cora was so tired last night that she might have been more emotional than she wanted to be. So he knocks on her door instead of just walking in as he usually does.

"Robert," she says, a smile breaking across her face. "Since when do you knock on that door?"

"I wasn't sure if," he doesn't know how to go on.

"If I'd want you in here."

"Well"

"Come here, darling." He walks to the bed and sits down on his side of it. She slides over to him and wraps herself around him.

"I am sorry for everything. Especially for just leaving you alone. And I meant what I said last night. I want to go back to the way we were, if you think that is possible."

He looks into her pale blue eyes and for what is probably the millionth time in his life gets lost in them.

"Of course it is. It is what I want too. I told you last night."

"I love you."

"I love you too. And I think you are about to fall asleep again. So I'll leave you to it."

"No. I mean I will fall asleep again but I don't want you to leave. Stay here with me please." And so he stays, forgetting all about the things he was supposed to do that morning because all that matters to him is that is wife is back in his arms.


End file.
